My Alibi

the new year...

death cab for cutie.

So this is the new year.
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogues bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that can hold us back.

There'd be no distance that could hold us back

cheery and fun...

this is a profile of me.

12.23.95/12.24.05

I didn't mean to leave you hanging on
I didn't mean to leave you all alone
I didn't know what to say
I didn't know what to say

I didn't mean to leave you hanging on
I didn't mean to leave you all alone
I didn't know what to say
I didn't know what to say

Merry Christmas, baby.
Merry Christmas, baby.
Merry Christmas, baby.
Merry Christmas, baby.
Merry Christmas, baby.

Merry Christmas.

so very special...

dear ben, i want to dedicate these lyrics to you. it took me a long time to see, but what we've learned you cant take back. and we know especially know now, you can never go home again. its not just a saying they made up.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

james blunt- your beautiful

sometimes you just have to disconnect...

wow. i just road my bike about 6 miles. in the snow, and slush. it was good. although i must say it is creepy knowing someone could follow the trail of my tires. where i stopped, where i had to get off for two blocks and walk. it was good though. its like a drug. that brings me back every time.

to the moon or bust...

oh my goodness. just when im falling, i get picked up again. i got the job at the coffee shop, start sunday afternoon. THEN!!!!!!!! after that, sunday night i start my bartending stuff. people it couldnt get any better, thank god i have till 4 on sunday to study, because i have a lot of work to do. seriously, this is awesome. if i can just keep working as much as possible. its gonna happen. everything. so i will have the resturant, the skate shop, the coffe shop, and the bar. it couldnt be any better. exactly what i have been waiting for.

then i am going to spit inb all of their faces.

i came to the realization, that i have to leave springfield. i have to.

to the moon or bust.

totally unimpressive...

so, i just got back from getting coffee. i needed the fresh air like i did last night when i walked to endres. which i will go into detail more a little later. i havent showered in three days. and it doesnt bother except for i work at the mall tonight and im talking to the manager of the coffee shop about the job, so i need to step on it and hope in the shower to be a little presentable. that and i think i kind of stink. on a side note. sometimes when i wear my hair in a ponytail for too long, after i take it out when my hair goes a different direction, it hurts, my hair hurts, and the only way to make it go away is to wash it.

people need to understand that sometimes people need to go at their own pace, and they arent always as directionless as they seem. and that taking a few steps back to get some perspective is a good thing. this is to not living life for other people. no one is getting hurt here, so just let it be whatever it is its gonna be.

and im out.

the best key for your particular lock...

so, i forgot. but tomorrow i am going to look at an apartment. its on glenwood. woot. its a decent area. i dont know any of the details yet, and i havent asked any questions about except for what the rent is. its 210 a month, its got radiators. im going to look at it, and if i do like it, then i will worry about everything else. but considering the fact that i am poor right now i probably wont live there. but the thought is nice. i wonder if anyone would want to help me out. i guess the main thing i want to find out is if its month to month or if i would have to sign a lease. if someone wanted to help me that would be awesome. i should be so lucky, but i am not a person of luck. so its just wishful thinking that i could move out. bah.

ghost world is on ifc, thats my thursday night.

12.23.95

its been snowing all day. and its beautiful. i guess i always like it while its snowing beause it reminds me of a snow globe and i always liked the thought of trapping a really great moment in a bubble and being able to always look back on it forever. i will probably go out pretty soon to take some gnarly pictures. because its beautiful. it just reminds me of really good times. im excited. and i dont have to work tomorrow until 4 so i can play in the snow all day tomorrow!!!! hopefully by tomorrow the snow will be able to be packed hard enough to make a snow man.

dont lose touch....

me and jonathan equals muy bad. sunday night, we went to the movies. went fine. then we went back to his house and listened to some music he had been working on. that was fine. but then he just started hounding me with questions about what i thought of this or that. and i didnt really feel like the right person for him to be asking. i dont know anything about it. i told him that i didnt think i wanted to listen to his music with him anymore. and he kind of flipped out. he said "well then, i just wont share my music with you anymore." but it was the tone he used that really pissed me off. like he was trying to give me a guilt trip. big surprise. he claimed that wasnt his intention. yeah right. he was obviously offended that i wasnt as interested as he hoped. i told him to shut up and he freaked out. "dont say that to me!" are you serious? shut up, two harmless words. so he went to give me a hug, and i was really annoyed, so annoyed i wasnt feeling a hug at all. so i pretended to knee him in the balls to get him to let me go. did not work. so i tried to wiggle away and he would not let go, and grabbed my knee between his and had me in a head lock, i dont like ruff housing, and that was his excuse, that we had done it before, so he figured we were just being "playful." no, not cool. so i punched him lightly in the balls. yeah it hurt and he dropped and he let me go. thank god, told me to put my coat on, and i got my stuff, walked to the door, and told him not to follow me. where he insisted that i not walk home, when it was 13 degrees outside, why i would even pretend to walk home. no. i dont think so. so i went out the back door and he watched me from the front step. why i dont know. then he crossed the street to try to talk to me. i told him to go away. then i talked to him later on the phone, and it wasnt productive at all. so the next day, i guess him and bice decided to start drinking at like 3 in the afternoon. and i gave him a call around 7, and he called me back a little while later. im not sure if he was drunk, or on something, but his exact words : i think im done. my favorite part was that he said it over the phone. hes leaving in a month and a half, so i think we were both looking for an excuse to be done before it was anything more. i just wish he wasnt such a whimp. thats all. hopefully he doesnt spend too much time drinking or doing drugs before he leaves for california. hes a bar guy trying not to be. too bad it wasnt the other way around. it might have been better. haha. thats that, then. i guess him and tony can hate me together. they can be drinking buddies again. i think i will delete both of their numbers from my phone. its probably for the best.

take her lead...

things to do:
get paper bags
finish t shirt design
write poem for band to use as song
start going to bed early
start showering every day again
get focused
finish roll of film/go to darkroom
find a good rock show to go to
get frames