August 31, 2005
just a series of blurs: like i never occurred...
just when you think you are invincible, something always comes crashing down. just when you think have experienced the worst situations you will be faced with in your lifetime, they keep coming. these waves of disappointment, failure, sadness, emptiness, cold, regret, anger, lack of understanding. you feel like you have brought so much to this earth, that something great would come along, and erase all those bad things. literally, erase them.
i just always thought, i am the rock you stand on, or i have been at one time. to everyone who i have allowed to be close to me. someone told me they couldnt ask me to do anymore, because they thought they asked to much. i remember that night so well. i said "if someone i care about needs me to move a mountain, then thats what i'll do." i always thought it paid to be that kind of person. but it hurts more than its worth.
all this time has passed, people and places. and i dont even have any piece of mind to show for it. its beyond situational.
i know all this is, at this moment, is letting a bad moment get the best of me. but its really hard walking around full of nothing. and pretending its ok. and when the straw broke the camels back, there was nothing. silence. because no one was around.
note: there is a good chance this could be deleted in the next 24 hours. i am just being stupid.
August 26, 2005
glass half full...
last night, i went on a mission. when it was half over, i looked into the sky, and at first glance i noticed a star, one that was burning out. the flickering from the star was sad, because it reminded me how everything good and beautiful eventually goes away.
i feel like i have been living in this cave, with walls made of frustration, anger, sadness, confusion. and not just mine. it feels so dark, and its hard to see far enough ahead, the point where you know everything is going to be ok.
i went to chicago over last weekend, it was good. i did a lot on my own. just like running around and things. i had a really good time. but circumstances out of my control forced me home, and monday night a while after i had been home, i felt so sad i left. and its been following me all week.
August 12, 2005
tick, tock...
i have been around. a lot has been going on. job hunting, going, not moving. i can tell if this is the calm before the storm or if things are really unfolding the way they are supposed to. i guess time will tell and when i get there i will report more.
we are having a show at the shop on saturday. maybe i will take some pictures. till then.
