My Alibi

the cause and effect as simple as a car wreck...

i decided today, its ok for me to write about my family, even if it doesnt sound very nice. this is my website and my platform to share what i want despite the unpleasent details. things with my grandmother are not improving, they actually get a little worse every day. having to literally sit there and watch someone choose not to eat, and choose not to have a feeding tube, and only way 80 pounds, can have long lasting effects on a person. i am 22 years old. and she has three children, two of which love to put in just enough effort in to make it seem like they care, and then it ends with the sound of hanging up a phone. i have bent over backwards for her. since this all started almost one year ago. i love my grandmother, but i hate what she has become, and i hate what my family has become. i think its ridiculous how john and carol treat me like this is my job, i never promised anything, let alone agreed to anything. i may live in her house, but i have offered to leave many times, and everytime either my grandmother or john has begged me not to leave. john begs so that it wont have to be him asking for permission to leave. because if i left i would be a letdown and a failure in their eyes. carol says put her in assisted living. well they dont have that in illinois, they have retirement homes, with a person of my grandmothers income cannot afford. then they have nursing homes and nursing homes. maybe she should be in one. with all the medication she is on, none of it is helping her, and frankly i think it has reached a point where nothing can be done to improve her life. its worse than cancer. most people with cancer you know, have a chance to beat it, but with my grandmother, she has just given up, and her disease is herself. no matter how well i can articulate this is never helps and it never comes out right. i used to watch her, waiting for her to get better. but now i watch her, and im waiting for her to die. because with the shape of her body and her weight, it cant be good on her organs. and i feel like its only a matter of time before they cant push her any further. because i myself can no longer be that for her. and right now her organs are the only thing carrying her.
but my family, they look at me like its my obligation to be doing this. like i am the fourth shadow child no one ever knew. i am her granddaughter and i dont deserve this. i know that seems so selfish, but when she went to michigan and she was no longer fun for carol, carol couldnt wait for her to get home. they may not be the truth but its sure how it seemed. john can barely look at her, and i know its either because he knows he should do more, or that he cant stand to be around her. my grandmother and her health is the main source of my anxiety.
this is a family, where love is based on what you can do for someone else. love is when someone asks me to jump and i say how high. im tired of it. i shouldnt get off the phone with my aunt who should want to do anything for me, balling and telling my mom that i would rather slit my own throat than deal with that bullshit.
all i want out of life this moment, is a really good meal, a nice coat that fits, and maybe a vacation. can i afford any of it? no. i wish i had someone to ask for help. you know, someone who could look at me and know that if they bought me a coat or helped me get a coat, i would appreciate more than anyone they have ever met. but i know its asking too much. at least for today. i keep thinking i have an angel out there somewhere, waiting for that perfect moment, to be here.
im drowning, i just hope it gets here before i sink to the bottom.