My Alibi

sell me a theory i can buy...

p.s. does someone want to buy me a trip to chicago?

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary...

i was looking around on the internet tonight, and i found the coolest thing ever, an Edgar Allen Poe action figure.

noteworthy:

-sweet camera

-another sweet camera

but there's just no one that gets me like you do...

wow. every time i see a yellowcard video on mtv, its just weird. i remember hanging out with them three and a half years ago, putting a freaking show on for them on easter, getting free merch from them, watching them write a song in miles' basement. just a month ago, we were sitting in their dressing room with them hanging out. a few of the guys really seem like that have changed a lot. they for sure arent as cool as they used to be. i dont own their newest record, and i dont care. its just weird, is all.

i put a new picture on the photos page.

hating things you hate takes up too much time, i wish i knew how to un-hate things.

thanks-whating...

i might not be the next martha stewart. but i sure can prepare a great place setting and make some damn good cookies. by the way, the cookies are in the oven. oatmeal.

update: so far, by the first taste test, they seem good, but i havent made anything from scratch in a loonnnggg time.

I am but one small instrument...

well, they predicted snow...i dont know why, but i never mind the first snow. i guess maybe because its the prettiest.

and, "the holidays" are coming. i dont really like the holidays that much.

i think im going to put up my christmas list soon!!! keep checking back.

holy crap. im watching mtv, and good charolette has a freaking dance song. what the hell is that? i dont like them and i never have. but i was thinking the other day about a lot of the bands and artists, dont even listen to the kind of music they play. i dont know, i think its weird.

my mouth was full of blood...

i loved pulling my baby teeth out.
i knocked one of my front teeth out when i was
wiggling it, standing in front of a mirror,
i lost my balance and smashed my face into the wall.
i told my mom and she didnt believe me at first.
it was a sunday night.

this sewing machine is not rocking tonight...

im in a "the internet is stupid" phase. right now, the only thing its good for is if 8th graders want to talk among one another about who is the cutest at the lunch table, or old ladies reading emails from their family members. people who only get online to check their bank accounts should just call their banks 800 number, and people who only look at myspace should either go to bed or get a hobby that doesnt involve just sitting. lame. you cant really trust everything you read, and you can only hope for so long that the peoples sites you read will remain entertaining or interesting.

what does this mean?

i hate sitting alone at home, late at night. and i just hate being at home in general, especially in the winter.

i'll buy you a shot...

so, because a supposed friend of mine flaked tonight, i ended up going out to the bars. it was interesting to say the least. i saw so many people i knew, i always wondered where they disappeared to on a friday night, and now i know. woohoo!! i probably had about 10 offers for people to buy me drinks. but i declined them all. i did get to hang out or whatever you want to call with a few people i hadnt seen in a while. there was one girl i ran into that i was actually really happy about seeing. those were my friends from the last 7 years all combined into one night. we went to a few bars. the second wasnt as fun as the first. oh well, its officially a night in the books, or rather the internet.

its just funny

Elgin80: i'll sell you a penny from 1822 for $50
NoPorshe: no
NoPorshe: i want your wolf blitzer trading card

yeah, they talked about the wolf blitzer trading card in garden state. and johnny really has one, or his dad. and it would be so funny to have one. we were talking online tonight and he was trying to sell me some shit, but thats the only thing of his i would want.

say that you need me...

10 more things

1. sad
2. tired
3. hungry
4. cry baby
5. misguided
6. too tough
7. charming
8. modest
9. weird
10. cold

you had to be there...

i was talking to ty the other night on the phone, and when im in my crappiest mood, he is better than everyone at making me laugh or smile. hes just that kind of person, he could do it to anyone. but we were talking about some shit, and i asked him a question about whatever. he said i had exquisite charm and something else, but he said thats why the boys love me. then we got off the phone and i threw it down, but then i picked it back up again and opened it to call him back and tell him that i think hes great, but i didnt end up calling him back to later, and i had forgotten by then. it was just a funny conversation. probably one of those you had to be there types of things. oh well. i cant remember why but he also thinks i was taking a number two a few afternoons ago when i was on the phone with him.

both hands...

i am walking
out in the rain
and i am listening to the low moan
of the dial tone again
and i am getting
nowhere with you
and i can't let it go
and i can't get through...
the old woman behind the pink curtains
and the closed door
on the first floor
she's listening through the air shaft
to see how long our swan song can last
and both hands
now use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
i am writing
graffiti on your body
i am drawing the story of
how hard we tried
i am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
i am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deed
with both hands
in each other's shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all
and i'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and when we leave the landlord will come
and paint over it all
and i am walking
out in the rain
and i am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and i am getting nowhere with you
and i can't let it go
and i can't get through
so now use both hands
please use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
i am writing graffiti on your body
i am drawing the story of how hard we tried
hard we tried
how hard we tried

i've had that ani song stuck in my head all day.

high standards...

on a lighter note, i was at stake n shake by myself, and there were some dudes there, of course. i think one made an extra trip back to their table just to talk to me. he told me to smile, so they (im assuming the workers) wouldnt think i was up to anything. normally, i wouldnt let something like that make me smile, but i did.

theres something missing. im not really sure what it is. i just know i need it. i felt it all day long. and i can still feel it now. right in the center of my chest. i dont know if thats good or bad.

can you make a connection?

it would only be fair that in addition to renting fahrenheit 9/11 that i rent fahrenhype 9/11. and i did. i just started watching it a little while ago, and at this point i cant promise that i will be able to finish due disagreement, lack of time, and being tired. i am not an avid fan of michael moore, but i really felt that fahrenhype 9/11 attacked the Clinton Administration as much as they attacked moore. and i am an avid fan of Bill Clinton. despite the drama he encountered with ol' monica. i love bill clinton.

all this talk about 9/11 made me think, along with the re-election of bush, with everyone talking about politics and war. when something bad happens everyone is always preaching "never forget." well, i know something we forgot. a little something called domestic terrorism, a little something called the oaklahoma city bombing. as soon and timothy mcvey was dead, it was over. that was it, discussion closed. what about those people? people want us to remember all the people that died at the WTC and the Pentagon, etc...they never even gave us a chance to remember any of the soldiers or innocent casualities of was in iraq. we dont even know their names or faces. its really sad.

the only thing i saw in that movie was a bunch of useless pompous rhetoric.

i love a good polka as much as the next man...

so, im almost done watching fahrenheit 9/11. ugh, and it just makes me sick thinking about all of that. i knew (because someone told me) that they werent going to find and WMD in iraq. i dont know, it a real hard pill to swallow, when you are trying to understand something that no one understands. bush is going to be our president again for another 4 years and for the first time tonight, i thought about how that could really effect me. in two years am i going to have to worry about my policitcal and religous views being curbed because they are considered rebelious? i hope not. im not worried about war, i am but its not my main focus. our choices, i feel like we are on the verge of a dictatorship or something. how can he go on as president without having to face any consquences for all of the misinformation he and his fellow politicians force fed down everyones throat. i think if the media would have shown the bodies of american solidiers coming home in flag draped caskets and dead iraqi babies it would be different. which brings me back to a question i asked before, is keeping a truth hidden away a lie? oh wait, we the people are on a need to know basis. and i guess we dont need to know. people voted for him because ignorance is bliss, because they are alive and arent the ones dead. when america invaded iraq, i watched tv all night long, till the sun came up every morning, and checked the news paper to make sure there wasnt anything i missed. ty was out there, and i was so worried. between the daily emails and occasional phone calls (5-10 second delays are creepy) a few days might go by every now and then where i didnt hear anything. it was an awful suspense i would never wish on anyone who was waiting to hear from someone they love. i told my grandma if she didnt vote democrat this year, she could be one of the people held responsible if some fluke thing happened and they didnt let him out when they were supposed to and sent him back. she voted democrat. i finally made a dent in her. im not feeling very optimistic.

yawn...

hmm. what a night, what a night. i didnt do anything. and i just remembered i left a movie going on my computer. i remembered to put deodorant on today as well, but it was lauras. i also use her brush every night. and she doesnt know i do either one of those things. which makes me laugh. she was snoring pretty bad this morning and i think she clogged the toilet, i know she didnt get home till at least after about 4:30 in the morning. i dont know what she was doing though. i think i might actually get to bed a little earlier tonight. thats actually okay with me. i am kind of tired.

once i finish the movies i rented i will probably have a lot more to write about.

never smile or shrug your shoulders...

yesterday, last night, i wrote a bunch of shit, but it got all fucked up. so its gone now. anyways. i had hung out with some people i never hung out with before it was interesting. they all seemed pretty nice. me and my friends pretty much just hang out, with a little different content. watching movies, going to movies, sitting out in the middle of the country, dumpster diving. it was fine.
but last night when i got home, i was thinking about how everything and everyone wants everything to be fast forwarded. they want everything to happen without any time inbetween. i hate that. sometimes its nice to stop and just sit back. you know? i think it makes it easier to appreciate all the better things. i dont know. maybe thats just me thinking about that.

so, tonight. i went to holy land. soooo good. vegetarian buffet. the main reason i like that place is because its hot food. and i never have hot food at home. mostly like PB&J. i want another hot meal.
more on tonight. i went through a bunch of pictures and put them in an album i started a while ago. it was interesting looking back at all that shit. those people. i actually still talk to some of them when they are around. i also stumbled upon an old folder that i saved all or most of geoff letters he wrote me like 5 years ago. its crazy, it seems so long ago, and it wasnt at all. i wonder if he saved all the letters i gave him? that would be weird, just as weird as me saving his. i was really mean to him. im sorry for that. but i think he already knows that. hes with megan now. and thats good. as far as i know. its a dont ask dont tell type of situation, but im not sure why.
my feet are tired. so tired. i need a foot massage or two!!!!!!! that would probably put me to sleep right now.

on a gross note. madison threw up so bad earlier. and i went and looked at it a little while later, and i found out the reason why he barfed. he ate a freaking leaf!! for a second when it was happening i thought he was getting ready to die. i will be soo sad when that happens. hes my bestfriend. i remember when he hated me when i was younger and ran away at every chance. and would hide for hours and hours. and now i try to hide from him. he tried to sit on my lap tonight while i was painting my toe nails. then took a bath on my blanket that i wont be sleeping with tonight because of that.

when im down...

i am pissed. dont fucking make a big deal about talking to me then when i fucking call you back be a rude ass and hardly say anything because theres too much shit going on where you are. if you are that distracted just tell me you will talk to me tomorrow. is it that hard? i'll be more pissed about my time being wasted listening to people act like jerks than someone saying they will just talk to me later. hello. 1+1=2

i hate when people do that shit. i guess thats why i dont really talk to anyone on the phone. whatever. im retarded. i know. its just a pet peeve. being pissed or annoyed is not something i want to deal with at 3:30 in the fucking morning.

i cant do anything right. i want to be done, with everything and get a do-over or something. everything. i think i would do everything differently.

"what are you gonna do?" hahaha

i saw what looked like really good food...

so. another day down, another day to go. today was a good day. overall. i havent given a single day this high of a score in soooo long. and im tired as all hell. im hoping the shitty weather goes away. the only thing that bothered me was when i was talking to robbie about halloween which made me live the events or lack there of, of that particular night. halloween, used to be my favorite holiday, but after this years, i no longer enjoy any holiday. i still love halloween decorations and shit. i still want to carve my pumpkin that someone so rudely removed from the kitchen and put outside. to hopefully not get smashed. i will fuck you up if you smash my pumpkin! i didnt put up any of my decorations this year. bummer. oh yeah and our fake xmas tree is missing from the garage. where did it go? and i am still obsessed with sean bonner. not really, just his ingenuity really.

over and out.

p.s. ty come home. we need to drive around in your dads truck and lie to him about why you smell like smoke. and i need to send your parents more postcards so they love me, and we need to bring the nervous game back. i love you. how many more days?

its easy to sink when you float like a cannon ball...

so....my ongoing quest to meet new people and make new friends isnt going very well. after megan left for school last year i kind of quit caring about making any new friends. i told her that i was over it and there was no one here i wanted to be friends with. haha. of course she understood. the thing with me and her is, we are so alike its creepy and we never talk about it. anyway. back to this new friend bullshit. yeah, so im trying to make a new friend, yeah theres this one person. hes pretty cool, except for one thing. and its making me discouraged. maybe i will just give up again. thats what i do best. i feel like im freakin 16 again. shoot me.

i promise not to be so lame tomorrow.

to the teeth...

hello birmingham (ani difranco)

hold me down
i am floating away
into the overcast skies
over my home town
on election day

what is it about birmingham?
what is it about buffalo?

did the hate filled want to build bunkers
in your beautiful red earth
they want to build them in our shiny white snow
and now i've drawn closed the curtains
in this little booth
where the truth has no place to stand
and i am feeling oh so powerless
in this stupid booth
with this useless little lever in my hand
and outside
my city is bracing
for the next killing thing
standing by the bridge
and praying for the next doctor martin luther king

it was just one shot
through the kitchen window
just one or two miles from here
if you fly like a crow

a bullet came to visit a doctor
in his one safe place

a bullet ensuring the right to life
whizzed past his kid and his wife
and knocked his glasses right off of his face

and the blood poured off the pulpit
yeah the blood poured down the picket lines
and the hatred was immediate, yeah
and the vengence was divine

so they went and stuffed god down the barrel of a gun
and after him they stuffed his only son

hello birmingham; it's buffalo
i heard you had some trouble down there again
just calling to let to know
that somebody understands

i was once escorted
through the doors
of a clinic
by a man
in a bulletproof vest
and no bombs
went off that day
so i am still here to say
birmingham
i'm wishing you all of my best
oh birmingham
i'm wishing you all of my best
oh birmingham
i'm wishing you all of my best
on this election day

left, left, left, right, left...

i didnt carve my no war pumpkin for halloween this year. my streak is over. i still might though, just to take a picture of it. im still not 100% on who i am voting for. i mean i know who im not voting for. but i think its one of those things where i wont know till im there. ya know? yeah, you do.

my piggy bank isnt full yet, so i cant go to chicago this weekend. fuck fuck fuck. maybe some bullshit fairy will come over and fill it up. oh well. i think its one of those things where something is telling you not to go yet. but this weekend would be the best weekend.