My Alibi

careening through the facade...

its pretty cold out tonight. they say theres a chance for snow. im sitting in my bathroom as i write this. its the warmest room in the house, which really doesnt make much sense, other than the furnace is right below it. i left the cd player running, with a jazzy/blusey ani cd in it playing. and the way the music sounds coming through the vent, makes me imagine im living in a old apartment building in chicago or something. its dusty, the walls are tinged with time, there are hums of old electronics all around. the cat is curled up on the couch fast asleep. the tv is on, but the volume is down so low, you cant understand what is being said. the huge old furnace kicks on from time to time, but its still always a little cold inside. so youre wearing a warm old sweater.even though its only 1:15 everyone is sleeping. so youre left with nothing to do, except for writing all this down. so you keep going until you get bored. you might make a cup of hot tea but then you face the inevitable, you have to go to sleep. so you lay out your pajamas, take a shower, climb into bed, pull the covers up, close your eyes, and drift away.

so, this is where i leave off and say....

gaining an hour...

its cold outside. and it isnt pleasent at all. last night, i walked down a main street here in town watching the horizon, or what i could see of it, but there were too many fastfood resturant signs and some other random ones too. there was lightening and some rolling thunder. it had rained earlier, so everything was wet. it was nice. just walking around like that. i guess i cant really explain it. tonight, its too cold for that.

thats all i got right now.

empty soda cans and full ashtrays....

okay, well, i've been giving it alot of thought lately, due to come comments i have recieved. what am i going to do with my future? i dont know why, but im having a really hard time picking one thing to focus on. i think if i was more sure i would be able to accept going to school. but i dont want to commit to something so important till i am sure. im not prepared to take out loans for thousands of dollars until i get this figured out. there a several fields i am extremly interested in. but all of them seem to be hard to make a career out of. law, photography, writing, and painting, maybe even education. i mean, ever since i was 6 years old i have had a profound desire to understand the law as a whole. one phrase i said more than any other as a young child was "its not fair" and i wanted to be a lawyer so i could make it fair. and as much as i still wish for that, at the same time i have come to realize over the past 10 years, that the law and the government are not fair. and that is not how it works. i dont know what to do. photography, to me, gives me something that i cannot have, forever, as a concept, an image of something i see as beautiful. i know it sounds stupid, and i do have a exceptional memory, but just being able to have it, to hold in your hand, its a 60th of a second i can have forever. writing, i want to write a book, but i would censor myself way too much. and i would be afraid i would hurt people in the long run. and as for painting, it is a craft i dabbled in since i was in elementry school, but what i know about it, its hard to make a living off of being an artist.
those are the things that i love, that give me a release, and make me happy, and give me a self worth. and right now, i feel like i cant just choose one. its something i think about all day and all night long. it keeps me up at night, and it rips me apart every day, while i just sit around at work. im at a fork in the road, but each side has its own fork, and now im just beginning to feel lost.