March 31, 2003
March 26, 2003
Just Breathe
there is alot of weird stuff going on, and im quite unsure on how to process it.
March 25, 2003
all these strangers look the same....
so i wonder if the things i find beyond my comprehension are really beyond, or if i am just in some form of denial? maybe a little bit of both.
its strange how i have barely any ties to anyone. i hung out with megan the other night, for about an hour at stake n shake. im not sure what to think. the whole time she looked like she was sad. i hope she isnt.
sometimes, im so afraid of what is going to happen that i sleep in my clothes so i wont have to hurry as much in the event that something or anything were actually taking place. im an adult, and that just doesnt sound very adult-like. i think im just slowly slipping. into some freak psychotic world that doesnt really exist.
now that i have reached the bottom of my list of nothingness, im off.
March 23, 2003
A One [Wo]Man Army?
i am at the brink. this media coverage, or whatever you want to call it, has me running up and down the walls. i dont want to be in the "dark" but i might have seen too much. we find out as soon as the people actually there that someone has parished. i dont think i can take it. people wanted reality on tv and they fucking got it. my best friend is some where over there and i am going insane wondering his status. i know he isnt in "the field" but just knowing he is near, closer than alot of other people is too much to swallow. i think what innocence this soon to be twenty year old young man had is now gone, swallowed up in a game of who can be called "top dog at the end of the day". im scared to know how he will feel when he is done with this. im scared to know what he is thinking so far from home. what is happening to the world and to the people she holds?
I am.......ugh!
i am...fucked. okay, so let me paint you a mental picture. its not even 2:30 a.m. and all of the sudden i hear the space heater, the radio and the washing machine turn off. the power in my house has not gone out. im guessing a fuse blew. pff. okay, so these clothes in the washer need to get dry and im not just going to leave them in there in standing fucking water. so this laundry basket is on the ironing board next to me so i decide to wring each article of clothing out individually, and place them into the basket. half way through, my hands start burning due to the extremely cold temprature of the water. i press on. this needs to get done. so i put some stuff in the dryer for a while, finally it stopped, not all the way dry i take the clothing and place atop of the "machine" and wring out the remainder of the clothes in the basket. come to find out there is 3 inches of water pooled in the basket, and dripping onto the floor. onto my shoeless socked feet. so im tromping on this wet floor back and forth. at this point im scared that the clothes in the dryer are too wet and will probably break the damn machine. my socks are wet, my hands again feel hypothermic. and its now 3:15. fuck fuck fuck. help help help. yeah i know i could change the fuse, but i dont feel that i am in the necessary mind frame to messing with a fuse box, while standing in wet socks with wet hands and no near towel. could it get any worse? probably, but im not going to cross my fingers.
March 22, 2003
Chumps r us
Disclaimer: The term "chump" is one of endearment and shouldn't be taken any other way.
March 20, 2003
March 19, 2003
sigh1.alc
where does the time go? its already about 2 a.m. and i still need to do my laundry. i dont know what happens to me this late at night that makes me want to just sit and stare into nothingness, thinking unfinished thoughts and feeling unfinished feelings. drinking soda that upsets my stomach. watching howard stern. how low can i get?
poor Ladd, last night, his car got towed from behind Timmy's studio. and they are holding it for 24 hours, and he is staying at Steve's old house with Troy. Which is on the other end of town. so Ladd is staying at Miles' tonight, on the couch in the living room. he hasnt showered in days and smells like moldy socks wet with lake water stuffed in a plastic bag.
i got a letter from Ty yesterday. i read the first paragraph then quit. Im not sure if its because im scared of what it might say, not that i expect something like that, but he isnt in the country and is in the military, and you never know what tomorrow will bring for him. im so scared for him. i love him, he is my best friend, and at this rate will always remain so, but im still so scared. i feel like in my way all these years i have attempted to protect him from or at least give him some type of assurance and he sounds so sad. i dont want to let him down. i know i wont. sigh.....
the washing machine is whispering for my attention.....till next time.
March 18, 2003
Top 10 Jobs
1. music critic for RollingStone
2. Photographer
3. Photo-journalist
4. Lawyer
5. Music Venue Owner
6. Booking Agent
7. Song Writer
8. Music Engineer/Producer
9. Doctor
10. President of the U.S.
note: if anyone out there has any job openings for a person let me know ASAP, i have an interesting and extensive job history, with lots of recomendations.
March 16, 2003
day II
cranberries-electric blue
Electric blue eyes where did you come from
Electric blue eyes who sent you
Electric blue eyes always be near me
Electric blue eyes I need you
Domine, domine deus
Domine, aduiva me
Domine, domine deus
Domine adiu, aduiva me
If you should go, you should know I love you
If you should go you should know I am here
Always be near me guardian angel
Always be near me, there's no fear
March 15, 2003
Goodbye Sky Harbor
its 3 a.m. and i've been researching and reading for a while now. i just took a break to go to the bathroom, looked out the back door on the way up and noticed all the fog. it reminded me of so many days i've seen. literally and mentally, but mostly literal. thought it would be worth making a note of to myself. Madison is sick, again or still, i dont know? he was tilting his head more and more, and his arms and legs really started twitching and jerking. it seemed out of his control. he couldnt sit still in one spot for too long. he finally fell asleep on the bedroom register. one of his favorite spots to nap in. with his little sleeping bag to rest on so his feet dont slip though the vent. its actually quite cute. over the past 13 or 14 years i have memorized everything about him. the way he says hello to the way he says hold me, to the expressions on his face. and it breaks my heart into a million pieces over and over again when i see him like this. im glad he is sleeping. just thinking about it, how much time we have spent together, how we've rested side by side all the times i was sick. or sad, or angry. the way those crystal blue eyes pierce me everytime he looks in my direction, he sees so far through me, that i dont exist. he always just knew. i remember when we first started living together how he hated me to come near him. little hands and spunky independence dont mix well. those little hands now grown into their own have seen alot of bloodshed and battle scars over those 14 years. some lessons learned and others not. how do you watch your best friend hurt, how do you let go, how do you say goodbye? or maybe you dont have to, perhaps a "see ya later" will do. and i would really like to hope it is and will be that easy. you try and prepare yourself for the worst, but you never really know what will happen till it does, let alone how you will act and react. i used to think he was my guardian angel. maybe he still and is trying to tell me something. that no matter what happens, oxygen permitting, i will see tomorrow, and tomorrow will always be there, and it may not be the same as today or yesterday but it will always be there or here. however you like to look at it. i think this is the first time i have looked at it this way. so i leave on this note. a sigh for me and a sigh for you.
March 11, 2003
monday mission
Monday Mission 3.10 (www.promoguy.net)
1. What is the most boring project you have ever had to do?
i cant remember the last time i had an actual "project" i had to do.
2. If you could be anyone or anything you wish, who or what would you want to be? Why?
are wishes really real? and if not whats the point in wishing?
3. What is one thing you refuse to ever put in your mouth?
meat.
4.If you could film a documentary about yourself and have yourself followed for 1 day, what would that day look like? And why?
i cant really say what the day would look like, i never know what is going to happen till it does, why? because i dont ever have plans.
5. What is the longest distance you have ever traveled to meet someone for the first time (blind date, blogger meet-up, etc). Was it worth the trip?
never have planned an initial meeting of any sorts.
6. What do people usually assume about you that isn't true?
that i am normal.
7. What are you craving for lunch today?
i didnt even eat lunch today.
BONUS: Take a look at me, tell me do you like what you see?
when you see me, you see so far through me, that i dont exist. (godsreflex)
March 3, 2003
i bid thee farewell
no more blogger, i have had this domain name for a while and finally i started using it. im not a dork either because i know the people that know will think i am. i will write more later. just trying it out for the first time.
