October 21, 2003
empty soda cans and full ashtrays....
okay, well, i've been giving it alot of thought lately, due to come comments i have recieved. what am i going to do with my future? i dont know why, but im having a really hard time picking one thing to focus on. i think if i was more sure i would be able to accept going to school. but i dont want to commit to something so important till i am sure. im not prepared to take out loans for thousands of dollars until i get this figured out. there a several fields i am extremly interested in. but all of them seem to be hard to make a career out of. law, photography, writing, and painting, maybe even education. i mean, ever since i was 6 years old i have had a profound desire to understand the law as a whole. one phrase i said more than any other as a young child was "its not fair" and i wanted to be a lawyer so i could make it fair. and as much as i still wish for that, at the same time i have come to realize over the past 10 years, that the law and the government are not fair. and that is not how it works. i dont know what to do. photography, to me, gives me something that i cannot have, forever, as a concept, an image of something i see as beautiful. i know it sounds stupid, and i do have a exceptional memory, but just being able to have it, to hold in your hand, its a 60th of a second i can have forever. writing, i want to write a book, but i would censor myself way too much. and i would be afraid i would hurt people in the long run. and as for painting, it is a craft i dabbled in since i was in elementry school, but what i know about it, its hard to make a living off of being an artist.
those are the things that i love, that give me a release, and make me happy, and give me a self worth. and right now, i feel like i cant just choose one. its something i think about all day and all night long. it keeps me up at night, and it rips me apart every day, while i just sit around at work. im at a fork in the road, but each side has its own fork, and now im just beginning to feel lost.
